Parenting

How to combat shame.

/ aubriegruber / 2 Comments

I stood at the bottom of the stairs. Completely shocked. They stood at the top, held in that in-between moment. You know the moment, the one that gets positioned right after the bad choice was made and yet right before the full extent of the consequences are realized. They waited.

Side note: Have you ever realized how incredibly powerful this moment is?? What we believe in this moment has the power to dictate every moment, thought and feeling after. There is a spiritual battle over this moment.

In full disclosure and transparency this was not one of my prouder parenting moments. I will spare you the back story, all that needs to be known are the words I used. A.K.A…the ammo I loaded into the enemy’s weapon to be used against my children. Lovely, huh? And yet, the shield of faith that was used by my children to defend themselves is something that will forever stay with me.

These typically kind, funny, obedient children had acted drastically out of character, sinning against one another, and I was at a total loss. I stared, mouth gaping, groping around for an angle at which to approach the situation, and then out they tumbled….”WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?”

Those were the words I chose. I cringe just writing it out and re-living it. I hurled these words in an attempt to make a point, that point being that this behavior was so contrary to what they knew to be appropriate, God-honoring and respectful. Speaking life should never be sacrificed in an attempt to make a point. They came down the stairs and we processed, discipline was administered, we prayed, there was forgiveness given and received and then they were dismissed to return to whatever they were doing. And yet, no one moved. It was clear they had more to say.

“Mom..” she started out tentatively..”You asked us who we were.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement.

I didn’t know what she was talking about.

She repeated, “you questioned who we were.”

silence.

It came back to me. The words I had uttered in frustration. The Holy Spirit was clearly revealing the way I had allowed my feelings to dictate my words and how damaging they were. I took a deep breath as the full weight of what I had communicated, and what they had potentially heard, settled into my heart. I didn’t know what to say, so she continued.

“I know we did something wrong, but you always say that, what we do doesn’t change who we are, and we are still children of God. You always say that can never change” She was emerging from behind her shield of faith, the truth she believed. It was incredible.

This is what the enemy does! He questions who we are. He draws our attention to our behavior with the evil intent of allowing it to label us. He casts doubt where assurance should reign, He raises fear when faith and love are our banner. He accuses when we have been acquitted.

There are so many reasons why it is important to know and believe WHO you are, but one of these reasons is so that you can combat shame and condemnation. The enemy, and sometimes other people, want to heap shame upon shame so that even AFTER you have received forgiveness you linger and wallow in defeat. This shame effectively strips you of the power you have to live in victory, in freedom.

Romans tells us that there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…we are not condemned!! Through the willing sacrifice of Christ, He defiantly and decisively overcame the power of sin and death. He shed His blood for our forgiveness, and His perfect sacrifice cleanses us from our “feelings of guilt” (Heb 10:2) I have boldly proclaimed this truth to my children, speaking this over and over to them – they are perfectly loved, seen, cherished, protected, delighted in, forgiven and powerful, by and through Christ, through NO act of their own. They did nothing to deserve these amazing things, they simply accepted this gift He offered.

For her to stand courageously on truth that day gave me a gracious reminder. First, to not allow my feelings to dictate what comes out of my mouth, no matter how shocking their behavior..;), and to never forget that who I am doesn’t get determined, changed, altered or tainted by what I do. When I sin, either by choice or accident, I can remain unashamed, and without condemnation, because the Spirit reminds me, that is not who I am. The cross is still more powerful than my behavior. The cross still gets the final word, and no thought, feeling, or behavior brought against it can stand. This gives us power to walk boldly and confidently, my adoption into His family is experienced when I come into agreement with who He says that I am. Shame is defeated when I agree with God.

I was deeply touched by her refusal to be moved, she stood in grace. They accepted the consequences of their actions and yet their actions were not given power to define them. May we all believe so strongly and willingly, that only our God gets to define us, and he defines us as His Beloved.

Beholding His Glory,

Aubrie

I’m in your corner

/ aubriegruber / Leave a comment

It had been a long day. The kind that by 9am you want a redo, but once you get to 2pm your mindset switches to survival-mode, “just make it through”. All of us collectively felt it. There had been harsh words said, impatience with shortcomings; and I had been the chief leading the charge into fleshly nastiness. When we choose to work in this role of “mother” relying on our own strength, it is our children who suffer the worst consequences.

My boy was carrying the weight of this day. And I was heavy with guilt.

Sometimes guilt can be an unbearable load, us mamma’s carry it all too often, and alone.

My perspective of the day felt as if everything was against me, I was forging head first into the fight without an army, it was just me, and I was losing. This young son of mine felt that way too, except in his experience I was the one blocking his every advance. My battle was not with him, it never is, but he didn’t know that, and at age 6 he can’t.

We were both drowning, desperate for a break in the storm, just a moment to catch our breath. On this day it would come in the form of surrender, and a reassuring truth. One that would soothe our weary hearts and bring restoration in the midst of chaos. He does that, works within our situation. Not always to change our situation, but to grab our attention and speak to us, while allowing us to stay within the ensuing confusion.

The moment was God-given and Spirit-led. I knelt down, looked into those blue eyes that had begun to cry in desperation and frustration and I said the first thing that came to mind, the only thing I wanted him to know in that moment.

“I am in your corner. I am on your team. We might not always agree, and we will disappoint one another, but you must always come back to one thing, the truth. I am for you.”

It calmed us both, gave us some clarity and we sat in that moment, on the kitchen floor, holding one another. I said my “I am sorry’s” asked for his forgiveness. Soaking in the warmth of his little hand on my back, feeling all his weight trust my arms, I was overwhelmed by that same truth being spoken to my spirit by my Sweet Savior. As I held my little man, Jesus held me.

This life can really make us believe that everything and everyone is against us, that we have to go it alone. When we believe that we are alone we are more defensive, we fight harder, defend whats ours more adamantly and refuse to give up. But what if there was power in our corner? What if love was on our team? What if the God of this world and your heart was for you? That changes things!

If my son can understand this truth (about me and his Savior) and believe it, despite what he might experience in this life and within our relationship, then he will have solid ground to return to, when life throws him a curveball, when our relationship hits a rocky patch, or he doesn’t understand what I am asking him to do or why, then he can always come back to one thing. I am for him and I have his back. In every season in life, through every mistake, and despite foolish choices, he is my son and I am on his team. I am wearing his jersey, I am his number one fan.

At the end of that day I humbled myself, got on my knees and thanked God for His grace and His forgiveness. He held my heart and lovingly told me that He was in my corner. He was for me and He was my number one fan. But the beauty of our Great God is that he doesn’t just cheer from the stands, I can experience His very life each and every day. His strength can be relied upon, His peace can be my own. He chose me before the foundations of this world, then sent His perfect Son to pay the penalty of my sin and adopted me into His family. Just so He could be in my corner, to give me the ability to experience victory; life abundantly, despite my experience on this earth!

As we face frustrations, disappointments, or injustice and although we don’t always understand His ways, or know His plan…there is an absolute truth your heart can always find refuge in; He loves you. Go back to that.

He is for you. He gave it all so that you and I could know that, and believe it!

What’s your favorite?

/ aubriegruber / Leave a comment

“What’s your favorite color?”

“What’s your favorite food?”

“What’s your favorite place to go?”

They arise at random times and in rapid succession. Each question is accompanied with a gleam in her eye and a mischievous smile, like she is trying to figure me out, put the puzzle together.

“Green”

“Spaghetti”

“The Beach!”

She giggles as she pauses. Delighted in the process of learning about me and getting to know her mama better. Most of the time I allow her to follow me around the house and keep asking the questions, they get more outlandish as her little game continues, or I settle her into the crook of my arm, I take deep breaths, filling my lungs with the way she smells, the last remnants of little girl.

My favorite part of this exercise is yet to come.

I let her lose momentum, the pauses get longer and sometimes the questions are repeated, and then I turn the tables, and watch her face.

“Sister, what is YOUR favorite color?”

Her smile gets bashful, she holds my gaze in those deep and bright blue eyes, and thinks…”Blue, like daddy’s favorite color.”

“What is YOUR favorite food”

As my questions follow in the same pattern, she begins to revel in the idea that I am interested in her, I want to know her, hear her heart, and learn about her. It’s her turn and it’s hard to describe how tangible her satisfaction is. Her twinkling eyes dance as she realizes I am paying attention and deem her worthy of my time and my effort to find her heart. She situates herself to face me. Accepting the gift I am giving her, she is confident in herself. Her hearts desire, its beat ringing in-sync with mine and yours, is to be known. To be understood. To be seen, heard. To experience someone seeking her out, rejoicing in her uniqueness and details. Her favorites, they matter. The way she sees her world, it’s important and I value it.

Our daughter finds great joy in knowing her family, in knowing me. I love watching her value people, at six years old, she pay attention. She listens, she show compassion and she embodies the heart of Jesus. She just wants to have conversations with us, to talk about things that are important to us. And she freely gives herself, allowing those of us who might take the time, to know her.

The idea of someone not valuing her or deciding she isn’t worth knowing is heartbreaking, even in thought. Her open and vulnerable heart will not always be taken care of properly, she will be hurt, she will be misunderstood. After all we live in a broken world with broken people. How do I convince her it’s worth persevering? How do I teach her not to shut herself off, withdraw? What should she do with the wounds that are bound to come, the pain?

I will point her to the one person that does know her, and sees her, and understands her. I will walk her to Jesus and explain He is in fact the ONLY love that will never fail, the ONLY companion that will never disappoint and the ONLY safe place that will protect and guard. He is always asking, always interested, and never tires. His love is always protecting and shielding, He will heal. From the safety of His wings she can bravely risk being known. His truth proclaims that we are hidden in Him, we can’t be snatched from His hands!

She has reminded me and encouraged my heart to recognize my deep need to be known, perceived and understood, and to continue to take that deep need to the God who created me. The one who knit me together and is overwhelmed with how incredibly intricate and wonderful I am. My creator, my redeemer and my rescuer, my savior, my ransom, and my life…He knows. He sees and He upholds, protects and values. What a Great God, and what an incredible gift He has given, He gifts us the honor and privilege of being known…if we accept it.

He wants to know us, yes, but He, too, wants to be known. His heart is reflected in ours as we desire to be sought after. The same hands that molded and fashioned her heart and mine are held out to us, inviting us to seek Him, find Him and experience Him. And when we do, we will find that His favorites..?

..are us! 🙂