There are benefits to a long driveway.

I have often found my feet in the gravel, using the length of that well worn path to give space to my heart that is desperate, broken or sad. My long driveway has the added benefit of privacy. I take to the gravel when I need a place to meet with God. I leave how I am “supposed to feel” and how I am  “expected to act” on the front porch, those thoughts aren’t allowed where I am going.  I only take with me honesty and vulnerability trusting that my God can handle the ugly, the broken and the stubborn parts of me.

I have come to recognize wrestling as a good thing. Instead of a fight against Him, it is a fight for Him. For his presence, His peace, His life. He engages me. Clings to me with fierce love and determination. I wrote the following in my journal after a particularly exhausting wrestling match.

“He is constant strength, faithful love, zero judgement as I flail against Him. He believes the best of me when I am at my worst. He listens to my gut wrenching honesty without condemnation or correction. He allows the storm to rage. The storm carries purpose that He won’t interrupt. He sits still with understanding in His eyes. He walks the road offering no advice or insight, He knows I need neither. When I exhaust myself and the words run dry and the tears continue to fall, He reveals Himself as Almighty God. The peace takes the place of confusion and anxiety. His love replaces the fear and despair. Sometimes the truth is only recognized and valued when all else fails. Truth is the parched man’s water. Surrender comes easy after the fight. I don’t need an answer, a solution. I need Him. His goodness. His promise. His truth. Him. Just Him.”

There comes a moment, when I yield. The surge of emotions continues and yet, I see clearly. I am replete. I ask if He sees me, does He care? In response, He unveils Himself, and in His eyes I am revealed. My true self found. He is the calm, in the midst of the storm. I stop demanding an answer or requesting the pain to be removed and I receive. The full weight of His Glory is experienced and it is felt in every weak place. He covers, strengthens, and fortifies. He expands my sight and I see the vastness of His love.  His grace, absolute. A deep belief emerges, an assurance that He above all, can be trusted.

I get to the end of the driveway, the next step is out of the “ring”, to face it all again…He promises to go with me. Then I see the rock. It has been painted, one word written on it, and then discarded. It lays on the ground, and there in 3rd grade penmanship it reads “grace”. Grace.

I step over it, leaving it untouched, to serve as a beacon for the next time I am wrestling.