Originally posted on “the-dance.org” January 2012

I have lived a half-life for 28 years. When I think of a “half-life” the first mental picture that I get is one of the 9 black hooded figures in the Lord of the Rings, the Nazgul. Although I can’t identify with their entire story, I can identify with what it feels like to not be dead, and yet not be living either. It’s a sad existence.

Let me back up. I gave my life to Jesus at a young age. I was raised in a home with parents who loved God, and did everything they could to show my sister and I what it meant to live a life for God. I was in church all my life. I sang every worship song, heard every story/scripture taught from the stage and went to a highschool that gave me tools to see the world from a christian, godly perspective. I attended a christian college, married a christian man and now I am doing my best to raise my children to know and love God. I am 28 years old. And I have lived this life blinded, and in the dark. This past december I started a journey that would end my half life.

I am a great student. I always have the right answer. I can make the grade. I also know what is acceptable behavior. So if I were to be asked if I am loved by God…I know the right answer is “yes”. Am I forgiven by God? yes. Did God die for my sins? yes. But up until a few weeks ago those answers did nothing to translate into my real life. Like many of us, I still felt guilty if I went a day without reading my bible. When I said I would pray for you I would feel a sense of guilt until I prayed for you, so that basically became a job and it made me tired. Going to church is something christians do, that made me tired. Raising my kids to respect, obey, listen, learn, explore, share, be kind, and understand that they are loved, exhausted me. I am aware every day that I am beyond blessed to have a loving, almost perfect husband,🙂 healthy children, who I have the ability to care for and stay at home with, but even so, I have not been getting it right. I have been tired. I have been bitter. I am frustrated because I feel like there is more and I am missing it. And because I am all these things my children suffer and I basically fall into bed each night knowing and thinking about everything I did wrong and what I could have done better but having no energy or motivation to do anything different. Seriously??? Thats a half life.

I was given the opportunity to go through a class called Advance Discipleship Training with Christian Families Today. They are a bible based, discipleship driven counseling center that is doing remarkable things. I was overjoyed. I was so excited and ready to start this journey. Because the truth is, these last three years have been so monotonous. So draining. Incredibly dull. I am a person who finds great beauty and rest in simplicity so for me to say that it was dull is shocking even to me. I was so dry inside, and felt the hopeless feeling day after day that there was nothing I could do to fix it on my own.

After committing to the training at Christian Families Today, I started reading Classic Christianity by Bob George. One of the required readings to be finished before the first class, and listening to a series by Bob Warren on Romans 1-8. To say that these two things have changed my life would be an understatement. Through these two resources, the Holy Spirit began preparing my heart through the scriptures for this year long class. I feel like I have become a Christian for the first time.

I hope through this blog to be able to adequately explain what the Lord is doing in my heart and life. I am overwhelmed by His love and His grace for me. He has opened my eyes to how He sees me, what He expects from me, or rather what He doesn’t expect from me, and what this thing called “abundant life” looks like.

I am a good student, so getting the right answer is easy, truly understanding and learning is different. I refuse to continue to get all the right answers, they have done NOTHING for me but give me a HALF-LIFE. I want to KNOW, and UNDERSTAND what grace looks like in the life of the believer, what living a life that is in Jesus, that is in GOD looks like.

The one thing I want to leave you with in this first blog is this…I am perfect. When I gave my life to the Lord my spirit was made perfect, Holy, Righteous. His GRACE covered me and no matter what I have done, do today or tomorrow I am seen by God as Holy and perfect. Blameless in His sight. My sins, past, present and future were forgiven. Taken care of on the day He sacrificed His life for me and the moment I believed, the moment His blood covered me, the work was done. Complete. DONE. And if you are a believer you are perfect too! For some of you this might be old news. and frankly, for me it was too…but it has come alive for me. I have been made, (past tense) perfect! PERFECT

Hebrews 10:14 “For by one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy” NIV

…so for the rest of my days if I do nothing but bask in the love of my God for me, I am good. I. am. good. That might seem small, but for me it has been the doorway to my “abundant life”. I have been made perfect, and my behavior is being made holy, being sanctified. I am overwhelmed by that truth. I was the goal. His goal was to love me, know me, save me. the end.🙂

But the nature of true love is that it doesn’t end! When you get it, I mean really get it (understand it, comprehend its vastness, believe it)…you feel like you will burst if you don’t give it to everyone you come in contact with. I am not a means to an end, my salvation is not for someone else, God does not need my help in reaching everyone who is lost, but because I now understand where I stand with God and what He thinks when He sees me, it would be impossible for me not to tell everyone else where they stand with God, and if they are a believer then they are good. complete. perfect. They couldn’t be more pleasing to God….He started a good work in me, and he will be faithful to complete it, as I am drowned in this knowledge of his unconditional love I am driven and motivated, more so than ever before to chase after Him, and bring as many people with me as possible. So that He is able to do His good work in me, modifying my behavior to conform more to the likeness of His Son. He won’t just stop with my salvation. He will continue to mold me into the child of God that I was designed to be. But that is the Holy Spirits job…not mine. My job is to accept His love, rest in His grace and submit to His will in all my ways. the end.🙂

I think that is the best news I have heard, or rather, finally understood in 28 years!!! It truly is GOOD NEWS!!!

There is so much more I have learned, and will learn and I hope to use this blog to hash out what I am thinking about, what God is teaching me and how it is radically changing my life. To better understand it for myself. I want to be able to look back on these moments and see the Holy Spirit loving me and teaching me to REST in Him, in this life and in eternity.

He has given me permission to live this abundant life and started a fire in me that I have never felt before. My hope is that these thoughts will encourage others and that this blog can be a place where my family and friends, and anyone, can join me in this journey, as God transforms me, and reveals to me His truth and gives me the ability to see Him and myself accurately! My sincere prayer is that everyone who I meet, talk to, spend time with or reads this blog will be impacted by this amazing God. I pray that He begins to open all our eyes to the truth that has begun to set me free.

Remember, you are loved, cherished and perfect in the eyes of your Savior, rest in that…He promises to do everything else as you allow Jesus to live His joyful life through you!