Originally Posted at “the-dance.org” February 2012

I was cleaning up after breakfast. Sister was in her room; I could hear her talking to her horse, half singing, half talking. Little Man was alone in the living room with a transformer toy that had been rediscovered at the bottom of a toy bucket just this morning. My back was turned when I heard it, Optimus Prime flying across the room and Jake crying, or rather gritting his teeth and growling. I whirled around ready to jump all over him for throwing a toy, which is never ok in this house, but his pure, intense frustration stopped me. I calmly walked over, picked up the toy, brought it to him and asked him to calm down. He then melted into tears, exasperated. I saw an opportunity to teach him how to respond appropriately. I had no idea what was in store.

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling frustrated?”

“mmm hhmm”

After a minute and some further prodding he proceeded to share with me why he was so frustrated. He wanted the toy to do something it was incapable of doing. It wasn’t working the way he wanted it to, but he couldn’t accept that. Even as he tried to show me, his feelings escalated again to complete anger and frustration.

I searched, wondered…how do you explain to a 4 year old that this is not important, that this is so very insignificant? That this problem was absolutely not something to get so upset over?

And then the words…they exited my mouth at the same time they entered my heart.

“Buddy, this is how it was made to work, if you try to force it to do something else it is going to break”

He didn’t get it, but I did. This little lesson was never about, or for, this little man. It was for me. That simple phrase summed up in an instant what I have been missing for so long!

This little boy was born by an emergency c-section at 27 weeks. He was 1 pound 14 ounces and it was an incredible miracle that he, and I, survived. I should have known then that the urgent and intense way that he entered into this world was going to characterize his personhood. By the Grace of God he left the hospital after 55 days, coming home at a little over 3 pounds, having had a very uneventful hospital stay, almost unheard of for a baby of his size and lack of development. “he’s a fighter”, they said. The nurses and doctors were amazed at his energy and activity. He continually pulled his breathing and feeding tubes out, moved and wiggled so much that he wasn’t able to gain a lot of weight, and smiled. yes, smiled, a lot. I remember feeling overwhelmed and proud of my little man who was fighting so hard, I would whisper it to him over and over again as I sat next to his incubater, fighting for healing in my own body..”please, keep fighting. keep fighting”

He is still fighting. His battle has been with me. Despite all appearances I am an intense, emotional, sometimes very passionate person. I mask it to fit into socially acceptable ways, but when I know something to be true I am stubborn about it to the end. I also love to have control, over everything. The ways in which my son is similar to me, directly highlight and magnify the ways we are different. He pushes back, he challenges the boundaries, on everything. He wants to know why. He is strong willed, extremely detailed and intricate and knows exactly what he wants. These traits in him cause me daily unrest. As I try to control his actions and behaviors, in reality I also want to control how he thinks and feels. He lives wildly outside my comfort zone and just by being he usually causes me great frustration because he never does things the way I want them done, doesn’t move as quickly or slowly as he should (on foot or motorized toys), always requires more and more, and breaks everything.

Ann Voskamp had a recent blog on her website, (aholyexperience.com), where she was writing about her son leaving home and the fears that tend to grip a mothers heart with all the questioning, the things you miss and the “what ifs”. The entire blog was remarkable but the thing that stuck with me was this line: “Its true: One child can keep you in contractions for decades and it can hurt to breathe”.

Ironic, considering I have never experienced contractions, :0) but I can still appreciate the word picture. This boy and I spend our days wrestling, not in the physical sense. I breathe, rest, push…He pushes back harder. I change my position, my strategy, He flips and alludes me. I get impatient and frustrated, he renews his resolve not to move until he is ready. There is very little relief. For the last 4 years up until this morning I was sure I was just staying consistent and doing my best to mold him and guide him. The Holy Spirit decisively showed me through my own words what has actually been happening. This little man has been hand crafted, miraculously woven together and put into this family for a purpose. A purpose that doesn’t end in this home, and this family, but continues into this world. Although we are very similar there are great differences as well. Differences that I have directly tried to change. And thats not how he was made. He was not created to fill my space, do things my way, think, act or speak as I do. I can see our future if I continue in this pattern, and it is not an easy one.

The mantra that I speak to this son of mine over and over every day needs to become mine. “just relax”. It’s amazing the depth truth can get to. The way that its roots very purposefully find their way into the darkness. The fruit is always dependent on how effective the roots are. This truth to stop striving, rest in Grace, receive the love of God and view Him and myself correctly has started to dive into the depths of everything I have known and believed my entire life, and has started to overhaul it. Its glorious. God wants this fruit to start blooming in the area of my parenting.

I laughed out loud when I spoke those revealing words this morning. I physically heard them, then spiritually felt them. I sat there and watched my very deliberate son begin to play with the toy just as it was meant to be played with. He grasped its purpose and chose to appreciate it for exactly what it was. There was peace. I see the simplicity in the example, but as I dwell on it today I am overwhelmed by the many parallels that continue to be drawn from this episode with his toy this morning and my life as a mother. I won’t go into all of them now, for now I will just choose to view and appreciate my son for who and what he was created to be.🙂

I am humbled that the words that were meant to teach and guide my 4 year old were the words that actually taught me. I might be the parent, but I am also the student. Learning from my heavenly father and always learning from the precious gift that was given to me over 4 years ago. I don’t know where along the way I stopped rejoicing in his fighters spirit, but I pray that God would give me the Grace to see this boy through His eyes. To delight in his intense, detailed way of seeing the world, to accompany him through his passionate emotional ups and downs and to support him through the many already crazy and over-the-top goals and ideas. Even if I don’t understand them!🙂 I am filled with hope today, hope that one day I will be witness to the many things God has in store for this wild little man who is prepared for the great adventure he is meant to live, God just needs to continue to prepare me for it!🙂